Session 0: Charlie

Audio

Summary

While Charlie was planning to attend a marriage meeting, the world turns sideways and Charlie is taken by Thandi Kahsu...

Transcript

Courtesy of Karen. Everyone thank Karen!

Karen: “So, M, tell me a little bit about Charlie Vanderbee.”

M: “He’s a mean little sack of shit. Well, he isn’t little, he is 6’5”. He’s a noble with a very big, important dad: The Duke of Roseview. And, Charlie himself, he’s the Marquis du Verity. He’s just a mean little man.”

Karen: “How would you describe his typical morning? Like, what does he do when he wakes up?”

M: “He takes a bath, he gets dressed, and then he probably has some kind of bullshit on the docket that his dad is making him do. There’s the training with the rapier, then there’s all the studying to be the next Duke. There’s endless marriage interviews that keep happening. He’s not a fan.”

Karen: “Yeah, so he’s 27 in Istres and he’s not yet married. And this is not common.”

M: “Yeah, this is absolutely fucking bonkers for him. Most people in his station are married in their teens. And he’s just actively been constructing a completely repellent personality. You say, ‘Hi.’ And he says, ‘Fuck you.’”

Karen: “So he’s mean on purpose.”

M: “Absolutely!”

Karen: “And he doesn’t get along with his father, the Duke.”

M: “No. He hates his dad.”

Karen: “Why does he hate his dad?”

M: “His dad’s a sum’bitch.”

Karen: “Ok. And, what about his mom?”

M: “Well, his mom is a nice lady. He does love his mom. He’s a good boy who loves his mom. She’s not a fan of his dad either so she took Charlie under her very crocheted wing and said, ‘Hey. Let’s learn how to heal people.’ And he said–” slams fist on table “‘Yes! I’ll do that! Alright, Mom, you point the way and I’ll do it!’ And she said, ‘Um… no, we have to wait for them to come to us.’ And he said, ‘Right. Because breaking other peoples’ legs is supposed to be illegal. Got it.’”

Karen: “So he’s a healer in some capacity.”

M: “Yes.”

Karen: “A full-fledged doctor, you would say.”

M: “Yes. He got his license at the crisp young age of seventeen.”

Karen: “In Istres, this is possible.”

M: “He’s been learning since he was 5 years old. Does that count for schooling years? That’s 12 years of learning.”

Karen: “If it’s his hyper-fixation, it does make sense.”

M: “It is his intense focus. He will memorize everything he can having to do with it. He can name every bit of minutiae in the human body.”

Karen: “Nice. So he’s a doctor and a noble, which is not a thing, typically.”

M: “No.”

Karen: “So, it’s a typical morning. What’s he having for breakfast?”

M: “Nothing! Good god! Fuck no, he doesn’t need anything.”

Karen: “This is why he’s sad.”

M: “He’s just not hungry, ever.”

Karen: “So no breakfast, and then he gets to work.”

M: “Yeah.”

Charlie goes into his schoolroom that’s been repeatedly trashed through the years, pulls out a nice thick book, flips through to find his place. “Ah, fucking hell.”

Karen: “Does anyone come to visit him in this room?”

M: “His mother and his mother’s servant, I would say.”

Karen: “Oh, his mother’s servant.”

M: “Yes.”

Charlie has been sitting and studying for quite a while and there’s a knock at the door. In walks his mother and his mother’s servant, Josiah. His mother greets him with a gentle, “Good morning, Dear. How did you sleep?”

“Well… I slept. What do you need?”

“We wanted to talk to you. Your father has arranged another meeting for you this afternoon.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“No. And your father has made it abundantly clear to me that this will be your last marriage meeting.”

“Well, that’s fucking good! Let’s get it over with!”

“No… this is your last marriage meeting. As in, this is the last person that you will be meeting and you are going to marry them.”

Charlie laughs. “You’re fucking joking. Are you serious? No. Absolutely not. You know how this goes.”

“I do but it’s either this or the unspeakable.”

“What is he gonna do? Fucking kill me?”

“I don’t know.”

Charlie shrugs. “I mean, it wouldn’t be so bad.”

“Charlie–”

He drops his book on the table and stands. “I don’t know what the big deal is.”

“It’s a big deal to me as the one who brought you into this world and worked very hard to keep you alive, healthy, and some modicum of content. Listen, I would never ask you to marry anyone that you don’t want to but we don’t have a choice at this point.”

Charlie grumbles. “I disagree. I disagree with that. I have a choice. We’ve been doing this song and dance for over ten fucking years. Ten fucking years. I’m not marrying some random pissant that my dad just decided to draw out of a fucking hat. I’m not doing it.”

“Then what are you going to do?”

“Wh–? I! I don’t know! Maybe I could go live in the fucking Wood!”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“It could be an alright idea.”

“I’ve spoken to some of the other families and this person is not as terrible as one might think. They’re from near West Istres.”

“Near West Istres. So they’re still East Istrian.”

“They’re from the Eastern side of Les Montagnes. Please, Charlie, I know that this is not what we wanted and not ideal but if you can just hold on just a little longer.”

“Just a little fucking longer? I’m fucking twenty-seven!”

“I know.”

“I’m just waiting for the old man to just fucking die. It’s a race at this point!”

“It is. And it’s almost over,” his mother says pointedly. “Do your best.”

At that, Charlie sighs.

“We will make sure there is no wedding. You can be sure of that. But play his game, alright?”

“Fine. Fine. Fine. I got it. Fine.”

“Thank you.”

“At least tell me it’s gonna be a short meeting.”

“As far as I’m aware. You’re just going for a walk.”

“Just a walk.”

“Yes. And that’s it?”

“A walk through the hedge maze, yes.”

“Okay. Alright. Sure. Fine. Ok.”

“You have some time so if you’d like to do anything before that, you’re free to do so.”

“Alright… Alright… Fine.”

“Sprout,” Josiah says from behind his mother.

“Yeah?”

He steps forward and tells Charlie, “We mean it. The end is near.”

“Alright. I really hope this means that something with a noose is gonna be happening.”

“Just hold on a little longer.”

“Fine. I got it. Listen, when am I gonna go on this stupid walk?”

His mother says, “It’s at 2. It’s 9 now, so you have some time.”

“Alright. I can do one stupid fucking walk.”

“Are you hungry? Did you have breakfast?”

“Of course I never have breakfast. When do I ever eat breakfast?”

“Josiah, get him some breakfast.”

“No, don’t get me breakfast.”

Josiah calmly says, “I’m getting you breakfast.”

“Don’t get me breakfast.”

“Come on.”

“Fine. Gods.”

Charlie follows his mother and Josiah back to her wing where they feed him a nice and simple breakfast of crepes with homemade whipped cream and strawberries. For Josiah, that is simple. Charlie begrudgingly eats the delicious meal and enjoys it against his will.

Karen: “What does Charlie do for downtime?”

M: “He’s just a big fucking nerd. He loves to read and maybe just being outside in the nice, crisp air with a good book will help. He has to take his time to look like he showed up for this meeting. He dresses up. He’s got the boots, the nice jacket, his worst-looking but best bolo. He’s dressed nicely but not too comfortably.”

Karen: “Is this where he is leaving his abode?”

M: “Yes.”

Karen: “He will not be returning. What does he have on him?”

M: “A watch, his peppermint oil, peony seeds…”

Karen: “We’ll say he’s wearing fine clothes.”

M: “The book he’s reading and something to write with, a pencil.”

Karen: “What book is it?”

M: “The Doctor’s Travelogues. It’s his favorite book. He always has to read it, it makes him calm the fuck down. And because he’s going to see his potential marriage partner, he’s got a little knife in his boot. Just a little guy.”

Karen: “Does he wear boots?”

M: “He’s wearing walking boots for this.”

Charlie leaves the manor for a nice spot to read. His favorite spot is near the kennels. As he walks, a familiar, “Oi!” calls out to him.

“Oh. Gods. Hi.”

Dean saunters over with his usual grin. He sets his hands on his hips and says, “Oh, y’look like y’got somethin’ up your rear end t’day. What seems t’be the issue?”

“Oh, you know, the usual: terrible sleep, forced to eat food, studying, marriage meeting against my will. How about you? I bet your day was equally terrible.”

“Oh, no. I woke up this mornin’, I had a cuppa coffee, biscuits ‘n gravy…”

“Gravy for breakfast, are you fucking kidding me?”

“Listen, I work a long day.”

“Dean, it’s bad for your heart.”

“It’s only bad for yer heart if y’don’t drink somethin’ with it.”

“And what’d you drink with it? The coffee?”

“Of course!”

“You’re heart’s going a million miles an hour.”

“The coffee speeds it up and the gravy slows it down. Alright?”

“Dean. I fucking swear. I am not starting your heart again once it fucking stops. Your first heart attack and you’re done.”

“I’m how old? I’ll be fine.”

“You’re 29, Dean.”

“Pops didn’t have his first heart attack until he was 35. So, I got time.”

“Fuck’s sake.”

“Y’wanna play with the dogs? They been itchin’ fer a good throw!”

“Fine, fine, gimme the ball.”

“Thar ya go.” Dean hands them the ball.

Charlie tosses the ball and the dogs burst forward in an army of fur, scampering as fast as they can to get the ball.

“Man, the dogs are more fit than you, Dean. Bet they eat better too.”

“Hey! They eat what they get. I eat what I want.”

Charlie scoffs. “Okay. Rich man on campus here.”

“I mean, it’was a decision between biscuits n gravy or oatmeal. It’s not a decision at that point.”

“What’s wrong with oatmeal?”

“Everythin’s wrong with oatmeal. It’s fine when there’s not biscuits an’ gravy around but with biscuits n gravy, y’get gravy. Alright, tell me more about this interview.”

“Yep. As always. We’re just walking through the hedge maze apparently.”

“Anybody we know?”

“No. Apparently, they’re almost from West Istres.”

“Ho-ho almost. They’re almost a full person, huh?”

“Almost. Didn’t quite make it. It almost would have been worth going if they were actually from West Istres. But considering the limited stock of people that don’t hate our guts on the other side side of the mountains–”

“D’ya think if they took th’heart of an East Istrian an’ the heart of a West Istrian, an’ put em on a scale, d’ya think they’d be level?”

“Oh, fuck no.”

“Didn’ think so. Anyway, these are the thoughts that bother the kennelmaster midday.”

“Very productive. You can be very poetic, Dean.”

“I know. That’s what gets the ladies.”

“Yeaaah, I feel bad for those guys.”

Dean laughs. “You shouldn’t! You’d be so lucky.” The dogs return with the ball and Dean grabs it to throw it again. “You enjoy your book.”

“You enjoy your book.”

“Have fun!”

“No.”

“Don’t get into trouble. Oh! An on your marriage meetin’, just remember not to put out on the first date.”

“What the fuck, Dean?! That’s disgusting!”

“I know! It’s a joke! Because you’d never, ah, forget it. Fuck you.”

“Yeah, fuck you.”

They both flip each other the bird and Charlie heads off to read his book as he stews on what is to come.

Charlie sneaks off to the Wood and finds a nice tree to sit under to read his book. As he sits, he looks over the scenery around him, taking in the fresh and vibrant greenery around him. Somehow being among the trees is more satisfying than usual. He’s always considered the Wood to be a safe place to escape to but somehow, it’s even more fulfilling than before. He feels safe. At home. Almost peaceful in these woods.

Over the past few months, the urge to be out of doors has grown in ways he can’t explain. He’s always loved being outside and away from the manor but somehow, the longing to be in the trees and under the sky has grown into something almost unbearable. Sometimes he even swears that he can hear whispers in the Wood. Yet, there’s no fear. It’s probably just leaves or the wind through the trees. Time passes differently in the Wood. He loses track until he checks the watch. He realizes it’s very nearly time to meet the suitor. He moves at a clipped pace to return to the manor.

Outside the manor, Charlie spots his father, Lord Byron Vanderbee, standing at the top of the marble steps. His back is ramrod straight, only barely assisted by his grotesque cane. His gray mustache twitches and his muttonchops stiffen as his jaw clenches. Despite how foreboding the man is, he is actually much shorter than Charlie, at about 5’8”. Beside him is a significantly younger person, probably around 21 years old. Byron calls out to him, “Charles! Come here.”

“Coming,” Charlie says obediently but with clenched teeth.

He joins them at the top of the stairs and his father gestures to the young man beside him. “This is Pierre Tasse. He is of the Tasse family.”

Pierre says, “It’s nice to meet you!” He clears his throat, tempering himself. “Sir.” He folds his arm in front of him in typical East Istrian fashion but Charlie can tell the boy is unpracticed. He bows awkwardly.

Charlie’s father then cuts in, “You two will discuss hobbies, interest, and goals. Walk the hedge maze and return here within thirty minutes.”

Charlie rolls his eyes. “Oh, a whole thirty minutes. Thanks, Father.”

He glares at Charlie but addresses Pierre, “Lord Tasse, please tell my son exactly where you are from and what you have to offer Roseview. Thank you.”

Lord Tasse straightens further. “Yes! I am from the far west of East Istres. Our land is up against Les Montagne, near the coastal cities. We have a lot of trade that occurs in our barony. I’m a baron. Fairly new. I mean– I’m not new to the lifestyle, obviously–”

Charlie intercedes, “Why don’t we take this to the hedge maze, huh?”

“Sure! Sure! Yes sir!”

“Let’s just go.”

Charlie leads Pierre into the maze. It’s there that the man seems to ease a bit now out of sight of Lord Vanderbee. The man continues to stammer his way through the conversation, though, “I have lots to offer–”

“I don’t care.” Charlie says finally.

“O-Okay.”

“I really don’t care. My father arranged this just so that he could get at your trade, your ports. Getting around the fucking Montagne.”

“Yeah… Yeah. This has been mentioned to me that this is strictly political. So… um. I’m. H-How do I put this? This is political. We don’t have to like each other, right?”

“No. We won’t like each other. I already dislike you immensely. Just because you’re here, standing in front of me at this very moment.”

“Oh. Okay. Well. I mean.”

“I don’t care what you have to say. What you have to offer. Or who you are. I don’t fucking give a shit. You can shove it up your ass. Fitting. Since that’s also your name.”

“Actually… it’s… Tasse. As in… like a…”

“I don’t care. We’re going to do this walk. We’re going to exit the maze. We’re going to give the big old fucker a smile. And then we will move on with our lives.”

“Understood!”

“Yeah, you don’t have to say anything else to me from now on.”

He nods and Charlie and Pierre head further into the maze. In the center, they find the gazebo. Inside, there’s something unexpected, though. On the iron table where he and his mother would sometimes drink tea, there is a piece of paper. Charlie furrows his brows as he approaches it.

“What the fuck is this?”

Pierre shrugs. “Maybe you should read it.”

Charlie plucks up the paper to find a contract of marriage. His blood runs cold. “You’re fucking with me.”

“No. No, you see, you really don’t have a choice.” Pierre remains on the path outside of the gazebo as he examines his nails. “Because… it’s either me, or you don’t leave the hedgemaze.”

“Oh. Okay. Then, what are you gonna do? Pull a fucking sword on me right now?”

“No, see, I know you have unusual tactics when it comes to swordplay. Instead, I think I’ll just…” He withdraws a pen– but not just any pen. This pen is a contract pen, one used only for weddings or high-level contracts. While one end is for writing, the other is for pricking one’s finger to let the blood pour into the reservoir. Pierre offers him the pen. “Sign.”

“No.” Charlie says defiantly. He’s starting to shake with rage. His vision is going red. This is not how this will end. The earth beneath him begins to tremble.

Tasse looks about confused. In that instant, the earth beneath him swells. He starts to panic but as quickly as it began, the earth bursts and massive jaws swallow him. Charlie raises his arms to protect himself from the rocks and dirt flying through the air. Charlie peeks up to spot a creature soar up into the air with blood dripping from its jaws. The only way Charlie can comprehend what he’s just witnessed is to associate the creature before him to a shark. A shark that swims through the earth as if it were water.

Charlie shrieks and points to the earth where the beast came from. “What the fuck is that?! What the shit is this?! What the fuck? I mean, I’m not complaining but what the fuck?!”

Charlie scrambles back. Where did it go?

“No. Oh no, no, no, no! Where the fuck is this thing?!”

He hears the roof of the gazebo crack and ducks just in time to avoid debris splintering and shoot out around the gazebo. A massive hole is left in the wake of this beast and Charlie watches as it digs into the earth to disappear.

The dust settles and everything goes eerily quiet. Charlie tries to piece everything together. He can’t fathom what he just witnessed. He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe!

The ground trembles yet again. He leaps to his feet and darts out of the gazebo. The beast lunges into the air behind him and as the creature descends, Charlie recognizes that it will crash down on him. There’s no escaping it.

Time slows. Charlie’s hands come up and he curls tightly into a fetal position. He needs to hide. He needs to hide. As he curls, he imagines a safe space and something in him takes over. Thick, hard vines wrap around his form, cocooning him in a wicker ball. The weight of the beast slams against his fortification but he knows that he is safe. It will not get through.

It roars in pain.

Charlie, curious, peeks through a small crack in his cocoon and finds thorns piercing out of the ball. Light bursts forth and he quickly shields his eyes. There’s the sound of a meaty explosion and Charlie chances another glance to see that the beast is now… smithereens.

He breathes heavily, still trying to piece together what’s going on, when there’s a gentle knocking at his thorny ball.

“Hello?” A feminine voice calls. “Hello?”

“What the fuck are you?” Charlie cries.

“Ah. A girl? Woman? Lady. No, just a woman. Hi!”

“Awkward?”

“Absolutely. Hi, I’m Thandi!”

“Did you do that?”

“The blast? Yes, I did do that. But don’t worry! I won’t blast you! I only blasted that because it appeared to be attacking you.”

“Did you do the rest of this? Where did all this stuff come from?” Charlie gestures to the ball he’s still hiding within.

“Oh! This! No, this was all you.”

“Okay… weird. But no, I don’t think I– H-How do I get out?”

“Um… well. Have you considered… relaxing?”

Charlie stares hard at where the voice is coming from and frowns. “I have never relaxed in my entire life. Now how do I get out?”

“Maybe tell it to go away. But really mean it.”

“Get the fuck out of my way, then!” The thorns fall away. “Oh.” He looks up to see a woman with dark skin and dark hair tied back in braids but fluffing back behind her head. She’s dressed in what looks to be a shift. Behind her is a long, white cloak, and she’s adorned in gold and gems. “What the fuck?”

“Hi!”

“Where do you figure into all of this? I’m not really in the fucking mood to play around here. Which part of the murder and/or marriage thing are you playing here? How did you get a fucking dirt shark? That doesn’t even exist!”

“Okay, I want to back this up just a little bit. I am Thandi. What’s your name?”

“Uh… Ch… Charlie! I’m fucking–! Charlie! I’m not fucking Charlie. I’m Charlie! My name is Charlie, okay?”

“Okay, yes, I understand. Thank you. It’s so nice to meet you. I would love to explain this in-depth but we really need to get back.”

“Get back to what?!”

“My home base!”

“Home base?”

“Yes, the thing that you did, that ball.”

“I’m not 100% convinced on that. That could have been another magic trick.”

“It was a magic trick, I’ll give you that, but it was not mine. That whole ball was you. There’s going to be a lot more of that. If you want to figure it out, you can come with me and we can work on it.”

“So where do you figure into all of this, are you part of Ass’s brigade?”

“Who?”

“Ass? The guy that was eaten!”

“There was someone eaten?”

“Yes! They were inside the shark!”

“That’s not good. Oh dear. Oh no.”

“They’re very much dead now. Probably something bad was going to happen to them at some point. This is East Istres, I’m not really worried right now because I’m really trying to figure out what the hell is going on. So are you on the marriage or death side?”

“No. No, I would have to say no.”

“Charles!” The familiar voice of Lord Vanderbee echoes through the maze.

“Oh… toot,” the woman says with a pout. She then looks to Charlie. “I really hate to do this but I really can’t afford to get anyone else involved. So, just, close your eyes and hold out your hands.”

“I’m not closing anything,” Charlie replies.

“Ok!” She puts her hands on Charlie’s arms, prompting a scream from him before everything goes black.

Charlie’s afraid of sharks.